Tonight I am taking a night to not only make time for myself, but also to reflect on my life as a whole. I find myself missing the hell out of my kids while my husband is out of town for the night visiting his mother and visiting other family members. It is only for one night…. yet it I feel like I am somehow lost. I have not been alone without my husband or children in close to 3-4 years. That is a LONG time to not have time to yourself. I asked myself leading up to their depature what I would do with this time. I held Maddox close and kissed his little face goodbye, and the weight that fell on my heart was that of a ton. A tiredness swept over my entire body and I just gave in; I gave in to the weight I had been carrying all week, all month, all year. What was only meant to be a short nap turned into many hours. I awoke 5 1/2 hours later, confused, displaced, hazy. My nap had been longer than I had been sleeping at night. It was after 7pm. I checked my phone, something I should probably make more effort into doing as it relates to those people in my life I care about.
Now what do I do? Where do I go? I talk about self-care… I promote it…. I know how important it is. Yet, when faced with the perfect time and opportunity to truly make time for myself, I draw a blank. What would make Meagan happy right now? What would allow Meagan to relax? I walked aimlessly around the store hoping to buy organizational items for the home…. left with makeup and an energy drink. I left my phone in the car so that it could charge, but also to be disconnected. I watched and observed all kinds of people in their own personal lives as they shopped, had their family with them and watched as they let their phone disconnect them from the real world. Buried away into the screen of their phone, or attached to the side of their face. Was this what I looked like to people? Why did I keep checking my pocket for my phone? Did I do this on a regular basis and just not know it? When I got back to my car, I missed a call from my husband as well as his texts. The anxiety flooded back, the weight fell back on my shoulders and guilt set in. I allowed this device to control me again. I felt guilty for disconnecting even for a short time. I could not reach my husband as I drove home. Maybe he was asleep. Maybe he was bothered by my lack of response.
I reached my house and just sat in the driveway…. asking myself, now what? I didnt get much enjoyment from shopping… shocker, I know right?! I migrated into our home and greeting my dog and cat. Sat on the couch and just stared at my phone. I began to once again scroll, type, send, scroll, type, send. Finally I placed the phone face down and slide it across the couch. As I was playing the new Borderlands 3 on XboxOne, I began to feel anxious and decided to just stop.
I tried shopping. I tried playing videogames. What can I do to relax? I began to think back to what would always calm me and I came to the answer…. Music. It has ALWAYS been music.
I ask Alexa to play Ambient Music and almost instantly, I feel the hard calloused energy start to breakdown. My eyes are closed, lights are out and as I lay in the center of my bed, I feel like I am sinking into the sheets and pillows. I feel heavy, yet lighter at the exact same time. My mind is focusing on one thing at a time, one emotion at a time. Thoughts become more fluid and tranquil.
In my next post I will explain what I have reflected on through this meditation and reflection.
Though we think we want to go all these activities we enjoy during our busy lives… sometimes just slowing down and letting go is really what our mind and body needs…. our heart as well.
What will you do in order to let go of the weight?